Strange Days have found me

Howdy Ya'll,

So, this has been a rather bizarrely typical day. It seems the older I get, the more surreal life gets. Even something as benign as Googling "strange photos" to see if I could find pictures I'd like to accompany this post. The first and only picture I was drawn to is the one you see up top. Turns out it is the cover of the Strange Days album by the Doors. I'm a huge fan and was actually trying to think of the words to that song, just before I settled in to write this... That may not be the strangest thing in the world, but if you were in my head when it happened, you would think so. Like some invisible cosmic string attached to my brain, making manifest the exact thing I'm thinking about without too much effort. It just happened. Wish I could do that with money! Ha! Now THAT would be a trick!

Back to strangeness. First off, my mom is in the hospital. Which in and of itself, is not very strange. She is 86 and in poor health. She is in and out of the hospital a lot it seems. Just when we think she is leveling off, something else crashes. So I have to be ready to fly up north at a moment's notice. We are scheduled for a visit mid June, but we may need to go earlier if mom takes another bad turn. And with my mom's health, nothing is easy, rational or predictable. Even her doctors claim that she is a medical enigma! So there you go. This always puts my mind in the jiggly space. The space where nothing is defined really and everything is hanging.

Today was especially just slightly off and normally I get frustrated by such things when they add up, but today.... I wasn't. For some odd, out of character reason, for which I am unaware, I found it all slightly entertaining and humorous.

After what seems like months of misbehaving and becoming aggressive to his mommy, my son was a perfect angel from the moment his eyes opened. (Just last night the hub and I were having the serious "What are we going to do about THIS" talk) I was literally in tears over it, so I wasn't going to look this gift horse in the mouth! Alright then, off we go into our day. After eating ALL of his breakfast, incident free, I set Harley up with a video so that I can do my morning rituals and chores in peace. (Yea, I know, but at least they are cartoon characters who are well behaved and have a decent vocabulary...) Ok, so I find out that one of my good friends has just had a "procedure". This is always odd to me, because they used to be called surgery or operations... anyway, choose your word, she had one. Just a minor one, but still. So we decide to draw her a picture and make fun snacks and a yummy protein smoothie to take over. But after we do our "together chores", which include the post office and feeding the buns.

Before leaving for the post office/bun expedition, I look for the phone number of the post office to see how our post mistress takes her coffee. I thought I'd bring her a cup. She's a good friend and a great post mistress who was in need of a treat this week. I keep the number on a post it above my computer... It was gone. Mysteriously. This is very strange because I've kept it in the same spot forever, but ok. It's not far, we'll go get the mail, find out what she wants and come back. No biggie, just strange that the number wasn't there. To answer your question, the reason I didn't look it up is because our phone books are a million years old, and frankly, I don't see very well anymore. So we get to the post office and get the low down on the coffee and tell our friend that Harley has made some Applesauce cake and we will bring that to go with the coffee. When we get home, we find that daddy has eaten all the applesauce cake and neglected to mention it to the rest of us. Not to worry, we had some fine Ginger cookies to make up for it. So, off we go again to the post office. It was fun to bring treats to our friend. It felt really good, although, having to make the trip twice gave me a slightly instinctive feeling that the rest of the day was going to follow suit. Boy howdy.

So, flash forward to loading up the car with our home made drawings and snacks to take to our friend in town. We live a ways from town, so I give Harley a cereal bar for the ride over. . (btw, he's had a slight allergy cough the last few days, but nothing too bad). Harley is happily scarfing down his cereal bar in the back as we pull on to I 10. Suddenly, he begins coughing and then I hear nothing. I look in the mirror and his mouth is opened, but nothing is coming out... then after what seemed like forever, he begins to cough again. whew. I hand him some of my lemonade to clear his throat. That seemed to work, except that he wasted no time shoving half the bar into his mouth again triggering his ultra sensitive gag reflex. So now he is coughing and I can tell by the open mouth, nothing coming out, watery eyes thing that puke is definitely in our future. And honestly, that's all fine, except the thought of taking the damn car seat apart, washing it and putting it back together, not to mention riding around with the smell of vomit in my car was just not on the agenda for today. (Now normally, I don't leave the house without several things... most of which live in my car, but for some reason today I had none of those things! Those things being: A snack bag, butt wipes, a towel, a roll of paper towels and a change of clothes for Harley. It was only a quick trip today, so I did not bring the snack bag containing most of the other stuff, and the hub took the towel out when he borrowed the car and well, I ran out of paper towels at some point. ) Anyway, there I am going about 75 down the highway and groping for any kind of receptacle or paper product or just SOMETHING to catch the puke. Proceeding to rifle through my console, all I came up with was one lonely napkin. I then hold it under my son's mouth as we are whizzing down the highway. And I was thinking in that moment, how strange and absurd this was, but I was still doing it! Trucks zooming by, me driving and stretching my arm to the back seat with one stinking napkin. As IF! I just started cracking up and pulled over.

Luckily, Harley's school bag was still in the car from Monday... (I know, Monday was Veterans Day, but that's another post) Anyway, his bag was still in the back and had a change of clothes! So I ended up taking his clothes off and wiping the puke up with them. Put on with the new clothes, a blanket on the car seat, a few more sips of lemonade, and we're off again!

"I puked Mommy!"
"Yes, I know. It's ok"
"Why did I puke mommy?"
"Because you were eating and coughing at the same time"
"But why?"
"I don't know, maybe you can ask the Great Spirit"
"ok"

We finally get to my friend's house with no further incident. Harley is all excited because he gets to play with his favorite cousin! Only nobody appears to be home. Not even the dogs... This is TOTALLY strange. I figured she must have passed out, and must need the rest. (Not strange) A house with 3 dogs who usually begin barking before you've gotten as far as the porch... not barking today. (Very strange). So we leave all the goodies ,save the smoothie, which seemed like a bad item to leave on a porch in summer. Then we turned around to come home.

I almost forgot to pick up my prescription yet again, but miraculously remembered before we past the Publix. There continued to be many more games of phone tag and poor timing all day, but I think I've gone on long enough.

Happy strange everyone.

Oh.. The Gods are Definitely CRAZY!

Howdy,

I'm not sure if you've seen this movie, but it IS a must see. One of the best movies ever, and I'm pretty sure, the only one of its kind. It approaches the heart of humanity and our struggles in such a profound and hilarious manner, delivering the most important of messages without being preachy. Brilliant! As usual though, it's likely that only "choir members" will be viewing...

I think a lot about how most of us live in the world today (me included). Not to be a bummer, but it really frightens me. For instance, I had a thought the other day about the earth. I was looking at all the concrete around me. Not only the road ways, but the buildings and etc... What I was thinking about in a very very new way is that these particular locations covered in cement, will likely stay that way for a long time to come. What about the earth underneath? If we are too believe (and I for one, do) that the earth's surface to her, is much like our skin is to us, what are we doing to her? What if we walked around with dried up cement on our skin? What would that do to our bodies? Not being able to expel toxins properly would most definitely cause health problems to our skin, and it would also adversely affect the functioning and health of every other part of our bodies as well, and likely kill us. (makes me think of tar and feathering...) Not to mention the heat. All that unreleased heat building and building. I never thought about it like that before. Then I thought of all the pavement everywhere, and I swear I could feel the earth crying. I cried too.

I wish that we could all go back to tribal life sometimes. Or at least slow down progress till we can understand how to live respectfully within our environment instead of despite it.

Paying Homage to the Abundance Gods

I had a mightily abundant week recently. I hope I can remember enough about it to really do it justice. See, I was going to write about it at the end of THAT very week, but somehow life got in the way... or I did. At the risk of sounding like one of those New Age flaky gurus of late, I am trying to change my relationship with money. It was a concept that made a lot of sense to me, and I'm going with it. I mean, when times are tough, I have no problem whining about money and how much I hate it's invisible power of all of us... so at the very least I think it should get equal billing when times are good. It's a start, right?

Too much time has passed for me to be able to catch the essence of how that week felt and went down, but this is how I remember it. Like many of us, I've been in contact with the Great Spirit about what I can do to create more abundance in my life. I mean, we are getting by, but lets face it, we all want to have enough to not live month to month... that is the kind of abundance I'm referring to. I had begun the practice of changing my relationship with money and how I think and feel about it, treat it, and etc... about 6 months or so ago. (Well, that's not entirely true. The seeds were planted in my brain about a year and a half ago) In any case, if any of this is actually working and I think it is, because well, everything begins in our heads first, and that's no lie. Perception may not be 100 percent of reality, but it's damn sure close. Anyway, I've been working on all of those things and doing my mantras, accepting where I am/we are (I"m married with a child), being grateful for all the wonderful resources and blessings we enjoy now, being as generous as I can with others, etc etc etc.... Ok, so I am doing my part spiritually and otherwise so that the forces that rule the universe will become activated and begin the financial prosperity ball rolling in our direction. I kept up these disciplines and eventually, the expectation of any return sort of faded away... I am now in the habit of being grateful and doing my mantras and etc regardless though. Can't hurt, might help.

Well, we got little trickles here and there. An unexpected gift from my mom here. A refund check there. Nothing really big or really consistent. Over time, I noticed that although we were still struggling... we weren't broke yet. Nobody came to kick us out of our house and my hub kept getting enough work for us to squeak by for another month. This was not the plan, but we were being sustained and it was ok. I was, and still am, grateful for that. For the last 3 years we have not been sure what, if any work we will have from month to month, sometimes week to week.

So a little more time passes, and the same is happening... only this one week in particular was different. After abandoning my home based book sales business some months ago, I got a call from a neighbor who wanted to buys some books! Great! So, she did and we had a nice visit. Then I get a rebate check in the mail that I had completely forgotten about. This was not incredible news because it was owed to me, but it was like finding an extra 10 or 20 bucks in your coat pocket from last year... so this is also good. Next I get a wonderful thank you note in the mail from a friend who I did a favor for eons ago. In with the note was a gift card to Kohls. YAY! More thanks than I expected or needed, but I'll take it! By the end of that week, I had fresh veggies and home made soup from my friend Ms. Moon. Now if you've ever eaten a garden grown veggie, you know what a great gift that is... and the same goes double for Ms Moon's soup. (To this day, any time I tell my son we are having soup he asks, "Is it Ms Moon's soup?") She has raised the bar way higher than my arms can reach... poor Harley! Anyway, not only did we get the hottest most incredible mustard greens on the planet, we got some collards and a few herbs to boot. She also gave me a ticket to see her wonderful play at the Monticello Opera house and also provided me a charming escort who bought me 2 beers! And if that wasn't all, we got to meet Mr. Perkins, the Opera house's own resident inhabiting spirit/poltergeist. He flickered the stage lights, then turned them off... just long enough to get our attention, then back on. Mr. Perkins, you rascal! Oh yea, and also my son and I were excited to go to a garage sale that week, and when we got there it was over... BUT... they had a freebie table so we got lots of old extension chords and a couple of books for the hub. Turns out they were the BEST presents I ever got for him. (He has a nasty habit of either guessing his presents or being so particular about them, I always know he is going to return them) I tried to get him a blue tooth once... I'll spare you that story.

So it doesn't end here. One of my best friends that lives about 5 hours away was on her way to a conference and was stopping by to see us for a few hours. I have very few friends here in town anymore so this was like finding a coca cola in the desert as they say. I was sooooooOooo excited! We had a great visit and lunch. And SHE came bearing gifts! Her hub makes the absolute BEST salsa in the world. I'd put it up against any other, easily. I got 2 jars of his April Fool's batch of salsa. Pure heaven. Then she also brought a beautiful new cutting board and some mukluks. Also, for Harley, she brought a home made drum. He LOVES it! The best part was just visiting though. It was just odd that it happened on this week, and that not only did we get a visit, but gifties on top. AND SHE wanted to buy books as well. (So bizarre!)

I'm thinking there was even more that floated in, but I just can't remember now. I wish I were more organized and disciplined. I absolutely knew as it was happening that I should write this stuff down, but I guess I didn't think the list would keep going! Who am I kidding? I'm a slacker. But I think the important thing is I am now not only recognizing, but celebrating abundance and prosperity in all it's forms. I am doing my best to live in a state of gratitude and it feels really good. So this is my tribute to the Abundance Gods.

Praise be!

Selah! ... And thanks for all the fish.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Naw, not Carson, Depp.

Yea, I know... Another woman going on about the magnificent Johnny Depp, but he is more than just another McDreamy starlet. There is so much knowledge, experience and culture behind that face... that if you continue to watch him long enough, soon the person behind the face is what will lead you on.

When I was first introduced to Mr. Depp's talent was when he played Edward Scissorhands. Quite honestly, his face scared me! (I was only a kid, and Burton has that flair for the macabre) But as I continued to watch, I was swept away with the magick of Depp, Winona and Burton and the other cast of characters. In later movies, what I noticed is that I like to watch him move. His movements are fluid and catlike. He is graceful and deliberate. He speaks with his entire being and projects a quiet strength which is visceral.

I didn't follow his career or life immediately. In fact, although I've seemed to enjoy most if not all of the characters he's portrayed over the years, I never really dove into his own personal character till recently. I'm not even sure why. Maybe mommyhead bordom? The internet? All I know is that the more I read about JD, the more interviews with him that I saw and the more of his movies I watched and re watched, the more I learned and the more I got turned on to other incredibly talented people, their lives and their art.

My curiosity and interest in many arenas was either reignited or expanded entirely. My interest in history was renewed with The Libertine. The performances in that movie were stellar by the way. I learned about Cuban poet/author, Reinaldo Arenas in Before Night Falls. Johnny Depp plays 2 roles in this one. which are polar opposites. One, is a sinister army officer/warden and the other, a flashy cross dresser, all boas, platinum wig and overdone lips. Beautiful! The male lead, Javier Bardem is fantastic also. Fear and Loathing reminded of all the beat authors that I need to read more of: Bukowski, Kerouak, Hunter Thompson, etc... Don't even get me started on Dead Man and the whole Jarmusch revisited jag! There is also some cool photographer that was part of a Depp/Jarmusch thread. I can't remember his name, but I wrote it someplace. He's dead now, but was a ground breaker in his time. I will find his name. I will.

Then there is The Ed Wood stuff, the Buster Keaton stuff, bla bla bla....T here is so much I've learned by watching his films that it would take forever to put it all down. Just suffice to say that I trust him implicitly as an artist. If he is in a film, I watch. I know it will be worth watching. Even if the overall project doesn't hit the mark, his performance will. And that's good enough for me.

I've learned about new music (well, new to me that is) One of the many cool bands I've been turned onto by my JD research is a gypsy band called Taraf de Haidouks. They are just unbelievable! Check em out and put on that hippie skirt and some dancin' shoes... or better yet, no shoes at all!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnNCidccbG8

Then there is his wife, Vanessa Paradis. I never would have discovered her on my own either. She has a really original sounding voice which I've grown to love. Her music, videos and film projects all have the same ethereal quality of timeless magick. She is an outstanding performer in all of those forms and I believe even writes her own music. She exudes confidence, but not like the kind you see here in the states. It's not like she's trying to get attention or prove anything necessarily. She just believes in what and who she is and it shows.

Yep, I continue to learn a lot by studying ole Mr. Depp, and not much of it has to do with his prettiness. But he is pretty, isn't he? Aren't they?

PTSD VS ADHD

So the question is, what came first, the ADD or the PTSD. There is no doubt I have both. I never realized that a person could develope PTSD just from growing up in a dysfunctional environment. Therefore, I never considered that it could even be one of my issues, much less the main one.

One interesting factoid is that I remember being able to concentrate and remember things from a very early age. I learned to read before school, way before. And it seemed I was always remembering things others had forgotten. The ADD symptoms started in around 2nd grade. My best friend Diedre Davis's mom was a volunteer for some sort of language arts class and she used to always call me daydreamer. In fact, she was the ONLY one who ever noticed that I had a "problem". Although, nobody knew what it was, and they didn't call it a problem. It was just part of your personality or character.

Interestingly, the symptoms for ADD and PTST are almost exactly the same. I could list them for you, but... I'm not sure it's all that interesting. The interesting part is that since I became an adult and began investigating myself, wondering what the evolutionary hold up was, I discovered that the reason I cried and slogged my way through college was because I'm severely ADD/Inattentive type. I discovered this about 6- 8 years after graduating.... I am now at 13 years past that... SO, lo these many years later, I am just NOW learning that I have most definitely developed a serious case of untreated PTSD. Oddly, as I mentioned the symptoms are very close. So, my theory has branched out in the last few weeks as I've been mulling and researching about all of this.

My best guess is that many (not ALL) ADD people of the generation (born between the 50s-60s) are more likely to have PTSD either mixed with, or presenting as ADD/ADHD. The evolution of how we treat children and what we know about their development and etc. has changed for the better in the last 20 years. What many families thought of as "normal" family stuff, is now known to be abusive and traumatic behavior and dynamics. The theory is that most everyone who is between ages 40-50+ who discovered ADHD in adulthood, probably actually have PTSD. I think this is very important because as the therapy protocols do seem to overlap, there are some very important differences as well. For some people it could be that once the PTSD is treated, perhaps their brains will stop behaving like a person's brain who has ADHD....? It's a damn interesting link, donchya think?

I just feel better about getting closer to the nugget of what I am actually trying to treat!
That's all for now.
pf

Jailhouse Blog

We went to see our friends JJ and LB at the prison a few weekends ago. It was an adventure as always. We arrived a little later than we had hoped. Since getting the count right has been a persistent problem for the better part of this year, I was hoping we'd get there well before midday, but we just skated in around 11:30 or so. Of course the usual delays... since our son isn't a toddler anymore, they needed a new updated photo of him. Then there were the other usual issues. (my husband wasn't in the system.) For some strange reason, JJ always has issues with regard to our visitations. Either the brass insist that we have the wrong visiting day, or they can't find my husband on his roster, and this time they couldn't even find him in the system period! So when I was certain that My husband, Frank, was not going to get himself ejected by going into some sort of condescending tirade with the natives.... I left him to deal with his issue while Harley and I trekked on through search and the long walk to DR dorm trying our best to beat the count. And we did! I can't say as much for Frank. It took him about 45 minutes to get things straight, and the count did get messed up. ugh! But, we were all happy that no tirades were launched & everyone was where they should be. Everyone except JJ that is.

JJ finally made it out, but not before Frank almost got himself ejected yet AGAIN! You see, one of "the rules" is that you are not supposed to converse with any other inmate except the one you are there to see. ( Frank is on JJ's list, and I am on LBs list.) While Frank was waiting for JJ, he saw a few other friends milling about, so of course he saunters over giving them big hugs and chatting away as though he was at a baseball game. Frank is not a quiet man, so I'm sure the BMIC probably thought that he was not only breaking the rules, but being flagrant about it... hurling it in his authoritative face.... so he spoke with Frank, explaining the rule in a very civilized manner and asking him to keep to his table. Ok, so Frank then sits down (he is at the very next table to me Harley and LB) and he begins to ask LB who he likes in the Superbowl and they are talking about the season and the strategies of different teams and what teams deserved what, and etc... so BMIC can't believe the nerve of Frank! After he had just spoken to him and EXPLAINED the rule. (I am rolling my eyes by this point) So, now BMIC takes Frank for a little walk and they talk about the three strike principle and that now Frank is on his 2nd strike, "you get me?" Ok, so now Frank decides the only way to keep his yapper from yapping is to get a deck of cards and play some solitaire. That seemed to work. Whew!

I wanted to place a video here.... I have technical difficulties so all I could manage if you want to check out Elvis, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Qo1eaWF8c

Finally, JJ made it out and everyone was behaving like ladies and gentlemen. LB, Harley and I were busily playing dominoes. Building structures and snake like creatures and knocking them down. This is particularly fun when you are three! Then we lunched on our traditional Big Ass Chicken sandwich and LB had his usual sausage/egg croissant and we all shared the beloved honey mustard pretzel chips. Ahh a feast for all. Harley shared with me. (When they say Big Ass... they are not kidding.) So after lunch, Harley switched tables to sit with dad and JJ.

JJ and Harley have a special relationship. They draw pictures for each other (JJ is an amazing artist) and they like to play dominoes. Frank is no gamer slouch. In fact, he is one of the best gamers I know, but he actually was sitting out, letting ole JJ and Harley battle it out in a rousing game of high card. (Apparently, Frank was not getting any high cards and was getting bored!) So, the game is whoever gets the high card wins the pot (of dominoes). So that kept them all quite entertained. That and ice cream... and popcorn!

While they were male bonding, LB and I were busy catching up on more grown up topics. Not the least of which, blogging. If you did not read my first blog post, it was about LB and our New Years visit. I mentioned that there was a whole lot that I cannot blog about with regard to him for security reasons. I did however, pitch to him the idea of starting his own blog.... and much to my surprise he went for it! I'm really excited about this! I'm happy to be able to help give his voice an avenue for expression and happy that he has decided to take this opportunity. The name of the Blog will be "Life in Xanadu". Since he has no computer access, we have to do everything via snail mail. So while he is most interested in receiving and responding to comments, it will likely take a few weeks to get those responses... So please be patient.

I don't know what direction his blog with take, but I'm sure it will be fascinating.
Hope everyone drops by.
PF

Oh Andy!

While watching Andy Griffith show, I found myself tearing up… Really? Me? Tearing up over Andy Griffith? WHAT? I've been watching this show for years, and never had this problem. I’m not a big waterworks person, so I sat up and took notice. After a few minutes of reflection, it hit me. The reason for the siffly tiny tear, and here it is.

On this simple show, there are so many lessons… Corny though they may be at times. Very important lessons about how to treat each other, and how to move in the world. In this particular episode, Aunt B was chosen by default to be the leading lady in the big production at the Annual Mayberry Pageant.

The primary leading lady got called away and was unable to perform. (As the episode continues, you realize that the primary is someone who has played this particular role in the play before) So moving along, Aunt B steps in and is practicing her heart out to get ready for her big debut. Try as she might, she was having so much trouble just remembering the lines, that her acting took a back seat. The director was unhappy with her performances and decided she must be replaced. Of course he approaches Andy first and it is decided that the news would be better to come from Andy than the director. Turns out, that Aunt B is so excited and dedicated to this project that Andy could not tell her…. In the meanwhile, the primary actress returns to town. Andy gets the idea to ask her to come over and help with the cooking and house chores. (hmmmm... there seems to be more up his sleeve...but what?) Well, when she arrives, the primary actress (can’t remember her name) is all too happy to cook meals and even apple pie every night till the pageant is finished. At some point she recites a portion of the speech that Aunt B has to make and has been having trouble with. She does it with great feeling and remembered all of the words, no problem. Needless to say, Aunt B has an “aha!” moment and decides that this woman is really the best choice for the role… and it was obvious that Aunt B realized how important she is to Andy and Opey, and gladly hands back the role to the other woman, then happily leads Opey into the kitchen to help make the apple pie.

The important part of this story and all of the others on this show, is that instead of just checking their problems off the list, by choosing the most logical, easiest or obvious solution, (Just tell the woman she can’t act!) the characters creatively solve their problems. Usually the problem solver turns out to be Andy, the town sheriff and amateur psychologist, but not always. He considers all the parties involved with the problem and comes up with a way to create a situation in which the person with the problem, is given the opportunity to discover the solution for themselves. No lecturing, very few hurt feelings while helping those around him to grow, and become more independent. His whacky antics and methods empower the other characters rather than squashing their self esteem. (Which as we know “toughens us up good”, but creates a whole other set of problems) Many times the characters with the “problem” rarely see Andy’s guiding involvement, but it’s clear that they feel it. It’s an artful way of showing love and simply allowing nature to unfold. It also shows the depth of his caring in a way that doesn’t need words. His actions speak loudly and it’s obvious that every person in this show is important and their thoughts, feelings and growth matter. wow.


Ok, yea, it’s a show and of course all the crazy antics seem to always work out in the end… not something that is guaranteed to happen in real life, and is greatly oversimplified to fit the 30 minute time slot. The point is that everywhere you look now, people are in a big hurry to “get er done”, and many times we do not allow time for creative reflection when solving our problems. We don’t give it our undivided attention. We obsess about it in between other things on our list and take the easiest way out because we can't stand the stress. I recently read something in a book about how to keep ourselves in mindfulness. What the author suggested was to treat every action as sacred. If you are bathing, bath yourself as you would the baby Jesus or Buddha. And when you interact with others, treat them as though they were the Jesus or Buddha. I think this is why this show got to me. Andy actually lives that way, even though he is not some great philosopher or guru. He is just a regular guy, doing what he does with great love and grace. Simple.