Sunday, December 2, 2012

Feeling Better... but tentatively so

Hey All,

I hope everyone is having or had a great weekend.  I have appreciated more than usual being able to visit your cyber places and immerse myself into your worlds and your struggles and victories.  It's helped me to feel less alone, self absorbed and childish about my current state of mental affairs. So, thank you all for that.

Things here are improving slowly.  I seem to feel less sea sick with each day, just a little bit.  I figured out that part of all this drama is that my instinct is to take things slowly and take my time adjusting and not put so much pressure on myself.  Pressure to get work, figure out Harley's school stuff, acclimate, make friends, find all my stuff (A lot is in storage), move forward toward my life long personal goals and etc... And that's a great plan, except that the reality slap that I am turning 50 very soon, has made me feel that I have wasted enough time taking my time.  The clock is ticking and I have to jump into those big girl britches in a big bad hurry.

I realize this is sort of petty and illogical.  I mean, not totally, but in the exaggerated way that I am experiencing it, it is.  And I have many good friends who are further down this particular path than I am that are so incredible and they show me constantly that indeed, I can do this.  However, as crazy as this sounds, sometimes I feel sort of like a ghost.  That I was so messed up in my youth I was a mere pin ball of a person.  Bouncing and reacting to whatever I bumped into.  And perhaps due to ADHD or childhood conditioning or whatever reason, I have been standing in my own way and having this conversation with myself since about age 12.  That is the first time I remember this serpent raising it's head.  I thought that I had come to peace with it, after doing a whole lot of searching and working on myself and having Harley helped in that regard as he helps in all regards... And yet, for some reason, maybe the move or whatever it has returned rather unexpectedly with a vengeance... and I find myself triggered, sometimes without warning blinking back tears. So besides the acclimation issues, I am dealing with an old demon who has decided to visit me in my not so finest hour.  Asshole.

In my haze, I've realized these two ideas are at cross purposes.  The idea of taking my time and being gentle and patient with myself and my family and the idea of tick tick tick!  Don't blink lest another 20 years slip past you...  Now that I have that part of the puzzle at hand, I am actively working on shifting my focus hard away from Mr. demon, and in the direction of embracing all that I can about my place in the world and in my own life.  I remind myself as often as possible that I HAVE CHOICES.  I can leave here if the adjustment doesn't happen.  That it is temporary.  It is all temporary and I can change my mind if I want to.  It would be a huge undertaking, but I could do it.  Somehow just knowing that eases the stress level..

My in laws were here this weekend and we decorated the tree.  We usually only decorate the tree with our immediate little family, but it turned out that we got to do it with Grandma (aka Grandy) this year.  Harley was completely blissed out about it, which was a glory to watch.  I am not by any stretch a holiday Grinch, but I do not get into the mainstream hoopla of Christmas either.  I'm more about the pagan version of hanging lights and making cheer so you don't slip into a heavy depression during the dreary winter months kind of thing. (Well, that is my abbreviated version) Anyway, since Harley's been able to understand, it has been the most enchanting experience to feel joy through and with him as he revels in the lights and treats and anticipation of the season's impending magic; parties, singing, presents, treats, more presents, more treats, playing with presents, etc...  If I stay focus on his vibe and find myself going with it, all is more than well.  So that part is great.  It was also wonderful to hang with the grands. We had some really fun conversation and food.  They love to eat out, and treated us to the best Italian meal I've had in a looong time.  This meal was insane.  We started with bread, then salad, main course (complete with sharing), wine, cappucino(msp), dessert and port.  I still feel full and it's after 1 the next day!

Here's hoping all is well with you and yours and thank you again for putting yourselves out there the way you do.  Also for indulging me in my time of (mostly self induced) madness and for your words of encouragement and well, just for "being here", such as it is.

More later.


JoJo said...

Hey I'm glad to hear that things are evening out a bit more for you. It will get easier with time, trust me. :)

Akannie said... is there! That's a leg up already.

I know the shorter days are making me a complete whack-a-doodle. Most days I'm doing okay, but every now and again I find myself right where you are...wondering how I could have squandered so much time...and zip!~ it's just all moving along too fast. I'll be 60 in January. Surreal.

Thinking of you in the California sun...fitting right in and loving your life. That's what I'm thinking for you...


Steph(anie) said...

Your mention of madness that was self induced gave me a little "aha" moment.

Thank you.