Simply... Out of Control

That about sums up my existence right now.  I'm trying to write this in the spirit of just reporting and not whining/complaining, however, I'm not sure of how successful I will be... which works, as I am not sure of much these days.

So, I went from living in a sprawling house on the east coasts to a relatively small apartment on the west coast.  My tiny town in the east, which Ms Moon refers to as a village, seemed in many ways lost in time.  They did however recycle, which my apartment complex in progressive California, does not.  Yea, sure, we can collect all our recyclables and (what? store them in our tiny apartment?) and then bring them to the recycle machine behind Rallph's, where strange people hang out, and put them in the machine one by one, receive our ticket and redeem our 10 cents per item...)  I'm not thinking so.

I do not like my son's school, and am unsure of where else to send him.  He is a very sensitive and intelligent child who has become accustomed to small groups and has trouble in large ones.  His class size is 26 with kinders and 1st graders mixed... I think that is ridiculous.  Anyway, most of these children are a tad indulged and entitled to say the least and not nearly as self regulated as a child needs to be in a situation like that.  On my volunteer days I have to swallow half a Xanex to deal with the chaos.

Everything here, including the water tastes different.  We have 2 filters on our kitchen sink, and still the water tastes like chlorine.  I keep a jug of distilled water in the bathroom to brush with.  sigh.  Also, am sharing a bathroom with my cat.  Nuff said.

I don't know my way around and several roads dead end into highways... in which I find myself inadvertently heading to LA on some days and have to sniff my way back, being directiionally challenged and all.

I cannot find my brand of cigarette shells here.  It sounds like a small thing, but in reality, for me it is not.  I only smoke about 2-3 cigs a day, but they are helping me stay sane.  They taste really off and I should just quit, but...  it is not time.  I'm not ready.  I began making my own to save money and then really liked the process of it.  I smoked less and they tasted better and I didn't waste tobacco.  (I sometimes just want a few drags or a half a cig, so it has been a perfect solution for me.  The apartment complex I am in is becoming smoke free on Dec 1st....  Oh my.  I know I should just quit, but the neurotic rebel in me is fighting it.

My cat follows me around like a lost puppy meowing at me because (I believe) there are no roaches or lizards to catch.

I miss Publix!  I did find the Publix of the west in Ralphs's though, so that is a small and unexpected blessing. Also, they sell liquor in the grocery stores here, which I find amusing and cool... except that I cannot drink.  My stomach won't have it, but I still think it's cool.  Very New Orleans-ish.

I've heard it never rains here, and well, it's rained on and off since we've been here... That is all fine, except that it brings gray skies which are not good for the soul right now.

There are many many more changes that I could list, but this really is turning into a whine fest.  I think I just needed a few witnesses to my plight.  On a good day I don't transition well, and while we wanted this move, prayed for it and got it... I'm not really "in" it, yet.  Or maybe I am and I'm not liking it?  Did I mention we do not have a washer and dryer yet?  We are getting them, but they don't arrive till early Dec, which coincides with the smoking ban.  Maybe I'll do mountains of laundry instead of smoking!  yay!

I know all of this is temporary and the good stuff and stability will come.  It's just plain hard right now.  At 50, I feel like I'm living a 20 something life style.  Everything feels temporary and teetery, which is ok when you are 20, NOT when you are 50 and have a 7 yr old.  I'm questioning everything.  Absolutely everything and feeling somewhat trapped....The good news is we do have health insurance and retirement benefits, so I have to remember that.  Our lease is up in a year and we'll be able to move to a place more suited to our personalities.  That will involve purchasing another vehicle though... so there is that.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving at my niece's house in LA.  It was just magical and a fine elixir.  Now we are home though and my head is out of the sand again.  I am so very grateful for all the blessings we do have, even though it may not sound that way in this post.  I am just having a real hard time transitioning and keeping faith that the friends, support and adjustments will happen as hoped for.  Feels like flying without a net, which I have not done for many many moons.

So that's it from here.  I'm trundling along.   All our stuff is here and we are together and that is the best part. Thank for listening.  I appreciate all of you and being able to read about you and your lives.  It inspires me that all this change will eventually whittle down to just the right amount of change.  Someday.

Not sure how to end this, so I'll just say goodbye for now.
xo