Not too shabby

This is what I got to look at today for approximately on hour and 45 minutes.

The feel of the cool breeze and warm sun....It sort of takes my breath away.

Today I was driving to see a doctor in Pismo Beach.  And for the first time since we moved here I felt at ease.  I'm not sure of the reason.  It may have been the incredible view almost the entire way of the Pacific Ocean, or maybe it was the music or the fact that I did NOT listen to NPR talk station at all.  Maybe it was the sunshine or the Louise Hay Youtubes I watched yesterday?  Who knows, but it was glorious.  I was actually kinda sorta giddy in a way that I have not been in a looooOOoong time.  It was soooo good!

The really odd thing is it was almost a two hour drive, and I do not really like driving much.  Also, I got a line on a job prospect, which sounds perfect for me.  It is working with developmentally disabled adults helping them to live more independently.  The pay is well, let's say I have not earned this little since before college, however, it is meaningful work, and I'm looking forward to incorporating my coaching into the mix and hopefully carve a better niche for myself and perhaps more pay!  I have a strong feeling that it will certainly lead someplace cool, and in the meantime, I get to help a rather disenfranchised population... this brings a sort of peace to my heart.  So that's what I'm hanging my hat on. 

Things are finally starting to look up a bit and I'm doing my best to bask in that and let in more.  Hope all is going well in your worlds too.

Lyme anyone?

Just a brief update for all my friends.  (she said, hoping her friends would recognize the Barfly reference) Things are looking up here in sunny Cali.  I have changed my diet drastically for the better. (That about killed me.. I am a creature of habit) and I am working out.  ME. Working OUT?  I should have done this a long time ago.  Well, in fact I did.  The first time I was diagnosed with Lyme disease.  Then as the years passed and I was asymptomatic, my old ways began creeping back to the fore.  So all of the reflux madness and other crazy maladies I've been experiencing since our cross country move and turning 50 may all be somehow connected to reoccurrence of Lyme.

I thought this from the beginning with the drastic and sudden weight loss and loss of muscle mass, however I was reluctant to go back on antibiotics without the supervision of a QUALIFIED Lyme physician.  Yes, if you suspect you have Lyme, get yourself a Lyme literate physician or you could end up very sick debilitated or dead.  You can read all about that here.  In any case I was sweating a bit because it did not look like there was a qualified doc in the area, and well there isn't.  So out of network we go... AGAIN.  The good new is that I DID find one who is not too far away and he seems very competent and the bonus is that he is an NP and an MD, which means he practices natural medicine as well.  I am hoping to go that rout since my stomach is rancid with this reflux and the thought of introducing antibiotics to that mess just makes me want to shrivel up in a ball and hide under the covers.  So, we may be able to treat it in a way that is much less harsh than antibiotics... and we may go broke again, but the upshot is that we FOUND someone, someone good.  (It's amazing how your whole perspective shifts when you are in capable hands).  The other good news is (and only California people will immediately relate to this) is that his office is north on the 101 from here.  That is the opposite way of traffic flow in this area, which is so very relieving.  So I've got that going for me too! woot!

I am not absolutely certain the Lyme is connected to other physical maladies going on with me, but it would shock me if it weren't.  And it will be good to BE certain and get rid of it!  Or at least get it under control again.  Can I just say, FUCK all these auto immune diseases and FUCK FUCKING TICKS!

That felt good.

In other news Harley has adjusted to his school environment and made some friends.  He now LIKES his school and has stopped begging me to home school him.  Thank the tiny baby Jesus for that.  He seems to be doing well, although we are still hoping to get him into his new school next year.  We figure that will be a cleaner break after summer vacation.  Both schools have merit, but when it comes to organization and feeling confident sending your child on a field trip alone without you chaperoning, there is no comparison.  For this and many other reasons, we believe the charter school is a better fit for us.  We are too scattered ourselves to be able to successfully deal with other scattered people!  We need boundaries, consistency and reliability in our learning center.  It takes the stress and guesswork out of it all.  For me there is way too much of that in life already.

My mood/mental state is stabilizing quite a bit and I am feeling less like an alien.   I do still feel like this is someplace I am visiting and that it is not home or even where I live.  It's where I'm staying for now.  We'll see.  At least I'm not feeling like it's a death sentence, and I'm actually able to enjoy some of the benefits of being here.

So that's it.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend with many blessings, fun and relaxation.
xo

Girlfriend

So, my son has a best friend in California.  He also has one in Tallahassee.  However, his best friend is California is the one I want to mention here.  Her name is Kaya.

Kaya is a lovely, sweet and articulate little girl.  She is somewhat introverted by nature, which I like.  She is not exactly shy, she is outspoken and goofy as any kid her age, but she has a sort of inner quietness that I like.  She is the first child that he has befriended since we got here, and she chose him. (Oh, did I mention she has good taste also?)

She pursued him in the form of asking for play dates with him every time I saw her... which was every day!  This was a blessed thing, because Harley was overwhelmed by his new found classroom experiences.  There are more kids in that small classroom than there were at his entire old school back home... and the majority of them have not been in a classroom setting and are shall we say socially challenged in that regard.  All the activity and rambunctiousness and volume were really hurting him (he has sensory integration/overload stuff)  So it was great that she reached out to him.  Since that very first play date, it was all over.

They have been best buds every since.  This year is the first time ever that I, mommy, did not receive the first Valentine from Harley.  He has made 3 for Kaya and one for his teacher!  This is bittersweet, mostly sweet.  He is growing up.

Yesterday while walking to recess Kaya and Harley were holding hands.  Then, they put their arms around each other!  Kind of how you would see a middle school couple.  I was blown away!  They are so funny!  Then we had a play-date with Kaya later that day and the two of them were discussing whether or not to go to the park first or to come to our house first.

Harley: "What do you want to do first?  Our house or the park?
Kaya:  "What's your opinion Harley?"
Harley: "Whatever you want Kaya."
Kaya: "Lets go to your house!"

It was just sort of nauseatingly precious.  But precious none the less.   I strive to be that mature in my exchanges with his dad... minus the nausea.

My son the hoodlum

I stopped smashing my head against the crazy wall sometime this week...  So while things are notably better, I am still a bit outer body and not really sure what the hell I'm doing here.  I'm told that will take some serious time.  Like maybe a year or more.  Yea, things are more familiar and I'm glad to get out of the traffic and stimulation and back in our little hovel at the end of the day, but it's not home... It's more like a temporary refuge.  Kind of the way you feel when you're on vacation and you've been out gallivanting all day, and then you get back to your hotel room where you can let down.  It's good to be back in your temporary space, but it ain't home.  That's how it is.

So last Sunday we went over to a friend of Marc's house.  A guy from work.  He makes his own beer... and apparently drinks a lot of it too.  But that's another story.  Anyway, we went there to hang out and let the kids make pizzas and play.  Long story short, my angel-go gooder son was spear heading the committee ding and dash.  (That is ring the neighbor's doorbell and run).  WHAT?  Harley?  To my knowledge, he has never done that caliber of blatantly naughty activity before.  Certainly not in my presence! The good news is when I confronted him, he fessed right up.  (One of his cohorts was busted and she turned dime on him.) When I asked why he thought that was a good idea, he said he thought it would be fun and he liked hearing the dog bark.  I'm half way kidding when I say, this may be a bad omen!  He didn't get in real trouble and I didn't take it too seriously, but it was odd seeing a side of your kid that you have not ever been introduced to.

I am having an endoscopy next Friday.  Well, I guess it's this Friday now.  I've never had a "procedure" before, unless you count getting wisdom teeth extracted.  I'm not freaking out, just mildly dissociative is more like it.  The doc skipped over the risks like a stone over water.  I did catch the one about perforating something or other, maybe the stomach?  I don't know.  Anyway, he assured me he's done thousands of these and nobody has ever been injured.  We are fairly certain that what I am suffering from is acute acid reflux, but they also want to be sure I do not have a hiatal hernia or cancer on top of it.  I'm pretty sure I don't.  But can I say, the diet I am on, while it may be healthy as all get out, is a pain in the ass and boring as hell.  I'd give my left pinkie for a burger or a slice.  All I've been eating are vegetables, soup, fruit, gluten free bread sandwiches with no condiments or tomato, bland cereal with almond milk, goat cheese, nuts, and fish  None of it spiced the way I like either. (I'm a hot sauce lover and I'm dyin without my Liquid Summer, a local panhandle favorite) Can you imagine?  I'm Italian for Christ's sake!  My kid is now lactose intolerant too, so there is that.  Welcome to California!

Seriously, I'm getting used to it, I just thought it was so outrageous I had to mention it.  I mean yea, my diet has never really been the best, but I NEVER eat fried foods and I hardly drink.  So I ate a lot of processed food stuff and I smoked and drank coffee and hot sauce.   I know guys that have been doing WAY more for longer and they're still doing it!!  I'm not so much mad or even surprised by this... it just doesn't seem right.

That's the news from here.  I'm finding things to be grateful for, and honestly, there is a lot.  Thank the Great Spirit for Ms Moon, who often puts up lovely photos of home and her beautiful yard and younguns and others I love.  It helps me feel connected somehow to the piece of my heart that didn't make the move. Thank you Ms Moon.

Hope ya'll are having a happy new year so far.
xo

Thank the tiny baby Jesus...

Well, the panic attacks have stopped for now.  I say for now because I do not want to jinx anything.  (Yes, I have a superstitious side)  I believe that the attacks were stemming from my default fight or flight mode concerning large and many changes coupled with hitting the ground running and no space.  (Did I mention I'm sharing a bathroom with my CAT?)  LORD. Yea, that pretty much does it for my nervous system.  But the constant attacks have stopped (for now) and I am thanking my lucky stars, the tiny baby Jesus and whomever else may have had a hand in that development.

Harley is not loving his new school.  His teacher is GREAT!  However, he is in a classroom of 26 children, and half of them are kindergarten age, Harley is first grade.  That would be ok too, except... for some reason these children have very little to no tools for self regulation and have never been in school before.  Many of them are highly emotional and very easy to set off.  Some act out physically with one another... There is a whole lot of impulsivity, temper tantrums, special needs, open defiance, and all the trimmings.  Harley has sensory integration issues from both sides, and is very upset by all the screaming, chaos and general mayhem which ensues daily.  I have to say, I'm with him on this one.  The parents are required to not only volunteer their time, but what that means in this particular school is that you are supposed to TEACH these children in small groups.  They actually expect that learning is going to happen.  I tell you, this is not possible.  Not by me anyway.  You spend most of your time trying to either get one or more to do the thing  they are supposed to while they openly refuse.  Then while you are haggling with them, the others in the group are getting bored or beginning to either melt or act out with each other.  So... that has been killing both of us.  So, today we toured a charter school which is a little further away, but seems perfect for us.  There is a waiting list, so we may end up doing their hybrid home-school/ two day a week program till we can get in.  We just cannot take much more of the chaos we've been dealing with, so there you go.  I never figured myself as a home-schooler, but  it seems like the only viable choice. sigh.

The new washer and dryer got here today, so that's a blessing.  The downside is that now we do not have that closet space anymore!  AND I have about 10 huge garbage bags full of clothes and linens to do.  I thought that our clothes had a musty and moldy smell from the POD, but we have deduced that it was from our house!  Yep, the house was so musty that we never even noticed it on our clothes till they were all bagged up for about a week or so.  (It's a good thing I stopped panicking, right?)

In general I'm feeling more hopeful that we can make this work.  I've offered a couple of the mom's at Harley's school some free life coaching sessions to keep my skills up till I can get my business up and running.  Not sure how I'm going to manage that yet, but I know that less intelligent people than I have done it, so I can too!  And I will.  But not now.  For now it feels good just to be making baby steps regarding myself and my needs.  It has become glaringly obvious that my needs, as many moms' needs take a back seat to larger, more pressing concerns.  It's good that I'm not ignoring them completely though.  And before you ask, yes, I do have a coach myself.  I am good at self coaching the small stuff, but this is way too big.  It's much better working with someone.  Helps me stay accountable for the things I really really put off.

So that is the report.  (I'm not even going to get into the Christmas cluster-f&*%)  Which is to say we are abysmally unprepared! Hope all is well with you and yours. Thanks for popping in.

Feeling Better... but tentatively so

Hey All,

I hope everyone is having or had a great weekend.  I have appreciated more than usual being able to visit your cyber places and immerse myself into your worlds and your struggles and victories.  It's helped me to feel less alone, self absorbed and childish about my current state of mental affairs. So, thank you all for that.

Things here are improving slowly.  I seem to feel less sea sick with each day, just a little bit.  I figured out that part of all this drama is that my instinct is to take things slowly and take my time adjusting and not put so much pressure on myself.  Pressure to get work, figure out Harley's school stuff, acclimate, make friends, find all my stuff (A lot is in storage), move forward toward my life long personal goals and etc... And that's a great plan, except that the reality slap that I am turning 50 very soon, has made me feel that I have wasted enough time taking my time.  The clock is ticking and I have to jump into those big girl britches in a big bad hurry.

I realize this is sort of petty and illogical.  I mean, not totally, but in the exaggerated way that I am experiencing it, it is.  And I have many good friends who are further down this particular path than I am that are so incredible and they show me constantly that indeed, I can do this.  However, as crazy as this sounds, sometimes I feel sort of like a ghost.  That I was so messed up in my youth I was a mere pin ball of a person.  Bouncing and reacting to whatever I bumped into.  And perhaps due to ADHD or childhood conditioning or whatever reason, I have been standing in my own way and having this conversation with myself since about age 12.  That is the first time I remember this serpent raising it's head.  I thought that I had come to peace with it, after doing a whole lot of searching and working on myself and having Harley helped in that regard as he helps in all regards... And yet, for some reason, maybe the move or whatever it has returned rather unexpectedly with a vengeance... and I find myself triggered, sometimes without warning blinking back tears. So besides the acclimation issues, I am dealing with an old demon who has decided to visit me in my not so finest hour.  Asshole.

In my haze, I've realized these two ideas are at cross purposes.  The idea of taking my time and being gentle and patient with myself and my family and the idea of tick tick tick!  Don't blink lest another 20 years slip past you...  Now that I have that part of the puzzle at hand, I am actively working on shifting my focus hard away from Mr. demon, and in the direction of embracing all that I can about my place in the world and in my own life.  I remind myself as often as possible that I HAVE CHOICES.  I can leave here if the adjustment doesn't happen.  That it is temporary.  It is all temporary and I can change my mind if I want to.  It would be a huge undertaking, but I could do it.  Somehow just knowing that eases the stress level..

My in laws were here this weekend and we decorated the tree.  We usually only decorate the tree with our immediate little family, but it turned out that we got to do it with Grandma (aka Grandy) this year.  Harley was completely blissed out about it, which was a glory to watch.  I am not by any stretch a holiday Grinch, but I do not get into the mainstream hoopla of Christmas either.  I'm more about the pagan version of hanging lights and making cheer so you don't slip into a heavy depression during the dreary winter months kind of thing. (Well, that is my abbreviated version) Anyway, since Harley's been able to understand, it has been the most enchanting experience to feel joy through and with him as he revels in the lights and treats and anticipation of the season's impending magic; parties, singing, presents, treats, more presents, more treats, playing with presents, etc...  If I stay focus on his vibe and find myself going with it, all is more than well.  So that part is great.  It was also wonderful to hang with the grands. We had some really fun conversation and food.  They love to eat out, and treated us to the best Italian meal I've had in a looong time.  This meal was insane.  We started with bread, then salad, main course (complete with sharing), wine, cappucino(msp), dessert and port.  I still feel full and it's after 1 the next day!

Here's hoping all is well with you and yours and thank you again for putting yourselves out there the way you do.  Also for indulging me in my time of (mostly self induced) madness and for your words of encouragement and well, just for "being here", such as it is.

More later.

Simply... Out of Control

That about sums up my existence right now.  I'm trying to write this in the spirit of just reporting and not whining/complaining, however, I'm not sure of how successful I will be... which works, as I am not sure of much these days.

So, I went from living in a sprawling house on the east coasts to a relatively small apartment on the west coast.  My tiny town in the east, which Ms Moon refers to as a village, seemed in many ways lost in time.  They did however recycle, which my apartment complex in progressive California, does not.  Yea, sure, we can collect all our recyclables and (what? store them in our tiny apartment?) and then bring them to the recycle machine behind Rallph's, where strange people hang out, and put them in the machine one by one, receive our ticket and redeem our 10 cents per item...)  I'm not thinking so.

I do not like my son's school, and am unsure of where else to send him.  He is a very sensitive and intelligent child who has become accustomed to small groups and has trouble in large ones.  His class size is 26 with kinders and 1st graders mixed... I think that is ridiculous.  Anyway, most of these children are a tad indulged and entitled to say the least and not nearly as self regulated as a child needs to be in a situation like that.  On my volunteer days I have to swallow half a Xanex to deal with the chaos.

Everything here, including the water tastes different.  We have 2 filters on our kitchen sink, and still the water tastes like chlorine.  I keep a jug of distilled water in the bathroom to brush with.  sigh.  Also, am sharing a bathroom with my cat.  Nuff said.

I don't know my way around and several roads dead end into highways... in which I find myself inadvertently heading to LA on some days and have to sniff my way back, being directiionally challenged and all.

I cannot find my brand of cigarette shells here.  It sounds like a small thing, but in reality, for me it is not.  I only smoke about 2-3 cigs a day, but they are helping me stay sane.  They taste really off and I should just quit, but...  it is not time.  I'm not ready.  I began making my own to save money and then really liked the process of it.  I smoked less and they tasted better and I didn't waste tobacco.  (I sometimes just want a few drags or a half a cig, so it has been a perfect solution for me.  The apartment complex I am in is becoming smoke free on Dec 1st....  Oh my.  I know I should just quit, but the neurotic rebel in me is fighting it.

My cat follows me around like a lost puppy meowing at me because (I believe) there are no roaches or lizards to catch.

I miss Publix!  I did find the Publix of the west in Ralphs's though, so that is a small and unexpected blessing. Also, they sell liquor in the grocery stores here, which I find amusing and cool... except that I cannot drink.  My stomach won't have it, but I still think it's cool.  Very New Orleans-ish.

I've heard it never rains here, and well, it's rained on and off since we've been here... That is all fine, except that it brings gray skies which are not good for the soul right now.

There are many many more changes that I could list, but this really is turning into a whine fest.  I think I just needed a few witnesses to my plight.  On a good day I don't transition well, and while we wanted this move, prayed for it and got it... I'm not really "in" it, yet.  Or maybe I am and I'm not liking it?  Did I mention we do not have a washer and dryer yet?  We are getting them, but they don't arrive till early Dec, which coincides with the smoking ban.  Maybe I'll do mountains of laundry instead of smoking!  yay!

I know all of this is temporary and the good stuff and stability will come.  It's just plain hard right now.  At 50, I feel like I'm living a 20 something life style.  Everything feels temporary and teetery, which is ok when you are 20, NOT when you are 50 and have a 7 yr old.  I'm questioning everything.  Absolutely everything and feeling somewhat trapped....The good news is we do have health insurance and retirement benefits, so I have to remember that.  Our lease is up in a year and we'll be able to move to a place more suited to our personalities.  That will involve purchasing another vehicle though... so there is that.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving at my niece's house in LA.  It was just magical and a fine elixir.  Now we are home though and my head is out of the sand again.  I am so very grateful for all the blessings we do have, even though it may not sound that way in this post.  I am just having a real hard time transitioning and keeping faith that the friends, support and adjustments will happen as hoped for.  Feels like flying without a net, which I have not done for many many moons.

So that's it from here.  I'm trundling along.   All our stuff is here and we are together and that is the best part. Thank for listening.  I appreciate all of you and being able to read about you and your lives.  It inspires me that all this change will eventually whittle down to just the right amount of change.  Someday.

Not sure how to end this, so I'll just say goodbye for now.
xo