Bad Mommy Day

Harley was sick today, so I blew off the 2 hour screen time rule, big time.  It was a cloudy and slightly stormy day.  We hung out and watched "The Land Before Time" videos ALLLLLLLLLL day literally.  Yea, we took snack breaks and such... We even played one honest to goodness card game.  But really, I read my book and sporadically got sucked into the vortex of cartoon dinosaur babies saving the day.  I also snoozed quite a bit and caught up with my sister.

Finally got it up to make some dinner, and now I'm horizontal yet again.  I guess some days are just like that.

We got good news about Matt in the late afternoon.  He is not talking or anything, BUT he is responding to pain stimulus in his feet and stomach.  (He flinched when he got a shot today)  He cannot see yet, but he can hear apparently and knows when family is in the room.  His heart rate goes up.  His infection is almost gone and the respirator is down to 35 percent. (Which is a good thing I understand)  His vitals are good, as is his oxygenation level.  Baby steps.

I've decided I'm going to be the family member who stays unabashedly optimistic.  That's my role and let's face it, I always root hardest for the underdog, so...  there you go.

Thank you so much for checking in and for your encouragement.  It means a whole lot to see the words you write.  Be Well.

Watching and wating

It's odd how when someone you love and are so very connected to is in a state of suspended reality...  You go in and out of some kind of self preservation Buddhist induced detachment, living your life as best and earnestly as possible, but it's always there.  

Then, flash back to reality moments.  Convince yourself all over again that yes, this HAS happened and IS going on despite the reality of your day to day... which in your mind, you can convince yourself that it hasn't happened because your life, your child and your husband require you to remain present and attentive.  Everyday.  Then there are the moments when you get some down time, and it comes back like some kind of strange flashback and then you have to realize again, that yes, this is not a nightmare and you are awake.

Meanwhile, my son is learning his multiplication tables by watching PBS and playing their computer games.  We also play lots of board games and games that he makes up. (Yea, he's pretty brilliant)  He made up a game where there are 4 different colored crystals (actually they are magic markers)  Each one represents a different power.  

"One contains the power of love"

"One contains the power of slowing down"

"One contains the power of going fast"

"One contains the power of water"

In order to get the crystals back to their rightful places and release their special powers you have to perform certain tasks.  For instance:

Put together a puzzle

Win a race (Sometimes they are slow races)

Win a board game

Win a memory game

Each task places a respective crystal (marker) in it's rightful place.  When all for are placed, you win!  Easy peazy.

Then it's back to waiting for news about Matt.  Checking my computer for the update emails.  This is what's going on.  Sometimes we swim or go shopping or do laundry.  And then I wait some more.  

This is the last message I received from my niece on Weds. after Matt got is tracheotomy.

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"Matt's out of surgery and it went well. Yay, Matt! Yay, surgical team!

He now has a tube in his neck instead of his mouth, so he'll be more comfortable. All his vitals look good, and he's sedated. He also finally gets to "eat" his vanilla protein drink after a long day of no food. (Why is it vanilla if it goes straight through a tube in his nose and into his stomach? I have no idea.)They removed the collar around his neck for the surgery and apparently now it can stay off. They will continue to monitor how his brain is progressing daily using a transcranial doppler. It's a very cool thingamabob that basically works like an ultrasound. If Matt is in good enough condition, his neurosurgeon would like to replace the skull and perform surgery on Matt's dislocated thoracic vertebrae next week.Thanks for all the support and positive energy.Love and hugs"

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So that's it.

Thanks to everyone who has left sweet comments or emails or remembers Matt in their prayers.  It means a lot to me.  

One of my wishes today is that everyone take a deep breath and take in their reality.  Love what is and who is in their lives and indulge completely in his/her conscious experience of now and enjoy the living hell out of it.

Peace.

Matthew, whole and healthy

I've decided that this is the only real thing that I can do... picture Matt happy and healthy and feisty. Send all of my healing thoughts and energy his way, especially during sleep time. This is the best time for astral communication as our conscious mind is not so in control.

Anyway, here he is:

Matt the sexy cowgirl!

High School mop top

Matt, Me and Harley in 2006... He was my first family member to meet Harley.

Reggie (Watts) and Matt

Yesterday we made great progress and things were looking more hopeful than at any other time since the accident.  Today, we are fighting ARDS.  This is a serious set back and we are doing all we can to slow down the stagecoach and reign in the medical staff who keep trying to take him out of his medically induced coma before his body is ready.  They are miracle workers, but they are human, and most all of us agree that he needs to hold steady for a good couple of days before trying to wean him again.

Meantime, we are visualizing whole, happy, passionate, fun loving Matt.  Sending him and his immediate family all our love and support.

Rage on Matt, Rage on.

Request for Miracles

As per usual, I've been wanting to write for some time but just can't seem to. This happens a lot. In the interim one of my nephews, whose diapers I used to change, Matthew, has been involved in a serious accident. He's one of those larger than life characters that is hard to describe. He has the genius gene that runs on both sides of his family tree, and the showman gene that runs on our side. He's as intense and outspoken as they come and just as loving.

What happened was he was, on his way to work he ran out of gas someplace in LA. Turns out his gas gauge was broken, so anyway, he was waiting on the side of the highway for a friend to come and bring him gas. In the time it took for the friend to get there, his car was hit in the rear at high speed by another vehicle. The car rolled over several times and his spine is severed between C3 and C4 and his brain is swollen. He was was thought to be dead on the scene, but the EMTs got his heart beating again. Then we were told that he was essentially brain dead (no activity)... but then oops, there was activity. So, maybe just brain resting..? They have performed some kind of procedure to relieve the swelling and he is getting all kinds of anti inflammatories to keep that under control. We all thought the first day that they were just waiting around for the 3 day grace period till they could pronounce him brain dead (Cali law), but he keeps improving. Small improvements, but unmistakable ones. He is now trying to breath over his ventilator, which is a good sign. I think they are considering doing a trach in the event he should wake and try to rip the ventilator out. (He would so do that)

So, we've been told that a full recovery is likely too much to even hope for, but lets face it, two days ago he was "brain dead"! So now the big questions are, how long was his brain deprived of oxygen and how badly if at all was the injury to his spinal chord... sigh.

What I'd would love is if anyone out there has a major miracle story they can tell me about someone whose beat the odds. I know it happens and it happens more frequently than we know about. I want to know about it. If you have anything to share that can help me keep faith that this may have a good outcome, I'd love to hear it. I crave to hear it.

Thanks for listening.

I'm speechless.

This was in our local movie trailer section... I'm happy to report that the pharmaceutical industry will not be capitalizing on my dysfunction in this area.  I hope not yours either.

Easter Madness

Yep, that's the Easter Bowie.  I hate our camera... that was almost a great photo!

Harley with his long awaited Bubble Gun.  He's been asking for one of these for ever.  

We were up with the rest of the parents who celebrate this holiday, at the crack of dawn practically.... ok, 7am.  It felt like the crack of dawn!  Harley was so excited to find his eggs that he completely disregarded the huge Easter basket loaded to the gills. (Just goes to show ya... we're the one's that screw em up with all the materialism... All he wanted to do was hunt for eggs while the bunny hopped!)  Well, once he got a gander of the bubble gun he changed his tune, but only slightly.  

We had one of the best Easters I can remember.  We are not religious or anything like that, so it wasn't to do with that.  It was just good.  We had a great family weekend.  Marc got Good Friday off, so that was a bonus.   So we spent that day with Harley, then Marc went to the local dog track to kick some poker ass... and he did.  Thank the Gods.  

Saturday, Harley and I went to the prison to spend time with our friend Gary and met his friends from Ireland who were visiting also.  I've been in correspondence with these people for years, but never met them.  It was grand!  All the kids were coloring, playing dominoes, snap, and generally horsing about and having so much fun they didn't want to leave... Can you imagine?  It really was a special day.  

Then Sunday was Easter and that was a dream.   It was just a smooth, harmonious, do whatever you want kind of day.  Then Easter evening we went to a good friend's house who hosts an annual egg hunt on his property.  It was fabulous!  You can let the kiddies roam free and know they are safe.  Adult beverages and sweet treats and yummy dip type things with yummy chips and and and,,,,  It was just plain ole goodness..  

I hope yours was fine too.  Happy Spring!

The Boy is alright.

So, a week or so ago I'm at the local health food grocery store... the only one of it's kind in the city I live in for YEARS until the recent opening of an Earthfare, but I don't know, that place sort of smacks of corporate chain. (Which is not ALL bad, but there is a plastic-ish/Barbi sort of feel to it if you get me)  Anyway, I'm really digressing... I was IN the local REAL deal Health Food Grocery with my son Harley, when a middle aged woman approached me in the cereal isle.

"Excuse me, but, is that your child"?

"Why yes.  Yes he is, why"?

"Would you tell me what sort of formula you gave him?"

"I didn't.  He's never had any formula at all".

"Really?  Well what DID you use"??! (She asked, wide eyed and donning a look of true amazement, genuine curiosity mixed with hope and dumbfounded wonder)

I simply looked at her and stammered, and I'm sure I was looking at her with a similar expression except that I was slack jawed as well...
"Um, uh, well... I..... nursed.... him"?  (Phrasing it sort of like a question so as not to shock her into oblivion)

Eyes EVEN WIDER and MOUTH making a LARGE  O, she says,
"OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooOOh!  I'm so focused on finding soy free formula for my grandson, I just... OooooOOOOOoooh!"

We both had a HUGE laugh after that!  I mean really?  REALLY?  I could see this possibly happening at any of the marts or commercial grocery stores, maybe even Target, but really, the Health food grocery store?  If it hadn't been so funny I'd have broken down into tears with the absurdity and sadness of what the whole exchange represents about our culture. sigh.  Thank the Great Spirit for humor!  Speaking of humor...

If you want to laugh your ass off, (Steph, you will like this) invite a young Bulgarian woman to stay at your house. Then, watch as your 5 year old son, who is obviously and hopelessly smitten with said Bulgarian, tries like hell to tell her pre-K jokes and tickle her funny bone.  *AKA flirt!  OMG! This was definitely one of the funniest real life dark humor situations we've had round here in long time!  Featuring such classics as the "knock knock joke- banana banana banana banana orange, and What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence"...  First of all, most kid jokes are just plain not funny.  Silly maybe, clever MAYBE, but rarely in my experience funny.  The funny part is their glee in telling it and waiting for the over exagerate reaction, right?  Well, if you throw in that your audience is a shy young adult with little experience with kids, and speaks another language, you've got a recipe for a tough room!  He'd tell the joke, silence and look of concentration and consternation on our guest's face as she tried to figure out why this is funny.  JUXTAPOSE:  A look of anticipation glee and hopeful release of the giggles on Harley's face.  Marc and I fill the silence with our appreciation for the irony of the whole situation (aka raucous laughter), which finally seduces the real audience into compliant participation!  BooooeeeYA!  Some things just don't translate, but laughing... every time.

Speaking of booooeeeya, Harley says to me the other day in reference to the bickering of his dad and me...

Harley: "You know mom, I know the way to stop arguing so much..."
ME: "Really?  I'm dying to know, what is it?"
Harley:  "Just agree more"!

And you know, there is truth to that.  My boy.  He makes all the absurdity some how alright, fun even.